2 Movies or Books that would be better if One Of The Main Characters Was an Animal or Zoo
I don't know about all of you, but I'm a very busy person. Every morning I have to make sure I put my shirt on the right way around (for me the tag on the inside of the torso is on the left, I generally wear US men's clothing, I can't promise that this is a good rule of thumb if you're in a different demo, I'm sorry.) I have to make sure I park my car the right way around when I get gas (for me the gas hole is also on the left, but on some cars I know it's different! On your dashboard, your car should have an arrow next to the NEED GAS indicator, showing what side of the car the gas should go in.)
So, after all of this other stuff I have to do like wearing shirts and putting gas in my car, I frankly don't usually have a dozen hours to spare when someone is like, "You GOTTA watch this show that's mostly about humans!"
I don't CARE. Like, yes, there are many humans who I love, there are many humans who I do care deeply about. And there are a lot of movies and books and shows about humans that I've liked, for sure. But there are also soooo maaaany more movies and books and shows about humans that I've been soooooo booooored by. I am primarily a zoophile! I am kinda agreeable to humans but they don't relate to me as much as animal stuff does! Human media is losing me!
So, I want to pitch two movies or books that would be better if one of the main characters was an animal or a zoo. I haven't read/watched ALL of these, some of them I have, but others I'm just like, "That's a cool premise, but I don't care if there's no dog smooching so I'll pass until there is." y'know?
1. The Lord of the Rings
Okay look, I TRIED to read the first book, whatever one that is. And it was like, fine, it definitely sounded like it had something in mind for where it wanted the story to go. I don't really remember exactly what it was, this was a few years ago, but it sounded like, there was a big deal ring, and then some people had to leave the town they were in or something.
This is a really cool piece of asexual literature for sure and I applaud it for that no cap, but there was like nooooothing that made me want to keep reading, as someone who would have wanted to read about I dunno horse characters or something.
I think what would have improved the LoTR books, and probably the movies too although I haven't seen those either, was if Sam and Frodo could transform into wolves or maned wolves in addition to being hobbits. Like, instead of a hundred pages about what Hobbitcity is like, we could have a few night-after-night conversations where Frodo and Sam are like "I was a maned wolf again." "I know, I was a maned wolf too, I was following you as you stole from Mrs Hobber." "I thought someone was following me."
And then the rest of the adventure from the books happens as well! I don't know what that will be since I never read more, but whatever it is, I completely don't see how it wouldn't be better if they weren't also wolves or maned wolves.
2. Looper
And when I say "Looper," what I mean is that Looper was so boring I don't even remember a single thing that happened in it, I'm just using Looper as a stand-in for all time travel movies. Back to the Future was boring, Edge of Tomorrow was boring, and I don't understand how these movies manage to take such a cool idea and make it so boring when they actually go ahead with it. time travel is SUCH a potent idea, you can GO BACK TO WHEN AMAZING PAST STUFF WAS. You can go AHEAD to when any stuff will be! You could be like, damn in the past I was a zoophile who rode horses around to help deliver mail or something, and now it's the present and all the horses I knew are dead and I'm sad, but wow suddenly there is time travel and I can go do horse mail with my horse lovers again, yeehaw! And instead movies are like, "We have to save the universe because we got a thing that lets us do time!" I don't CARE about the universe or time! I want characters to leverage the universe and time to allow themselves and vicariously me to do more horse stuff!
Conclusion
Look, you name it, I'm more interested if there's a zoo as the protagonist. Moby Dick, Harry Potter, 1984, I don't care about any of these as it stands, but if I was zapped into an alternate universe where zoosexuals were the main characters, I might start paying more attention.
I guess my main point is, Netflix, if you want any of my money, do zoo shows please.
Article written by Dogteeth (January 2025)
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