3 Things That Aren't That Interesting But Would Be If They Were Zooey
Hi I'm a zoophile I like dogs. I think lots of other animals are cool too, I would love to be able to transform into a lioness and sprint around with other lionesses, really dig my claws into the dirt and pounce around and roll and roar and feel the hot sunlight on my fur. I would love to be able to fly as a hawk, letting air currents hold me by my outspread wings, gliding along and looking down at all of the critters in the woods below. I would love to be able to swim as a dolphin, soaring through the waters with my fellow dolphin sisters and friends.
Anyways this article is about boring human stuff and what I would change about it to make it more interesting to me as someone who is a zoophile and likes animal stuff a lot.
Zoo Church
I think there are about 50 churches in a 10 mile radius of me, so clearly a lot of humans (who build churches) think that church is very interesting.
And like, I do totally get it. You get to visit with people in your community, make new friends, hear stories that you emotionally resonate with, sing songs together, I think I remember lemonade and cookies also being a part of it. If you like being Christian and feel proud to be Christian and want to openly express Christianity with others and talk with others about Christian stuff, then you BET that a Christian church is a great place for you to be on Sunday morning. Lots of people love it!
I don't hate Christianity or anything (controversial take in a zoo article I know,) and I actually don't mind going to church now and then. Like, if the grandparents want us all to go to the Christmas service or the Easter service, I'm usually up for it. Buuuuuut... while I'm there, I am a spy at someone else's party. I don't believe in God, and I do hold a lot of values that are queer and animal-first and overall would not make for polite conversation if I actually opened my mouth about it while I was there.
So, Christian Church is not a place I go to especially often.
But I totally WOULD go to Zoo Church, which I think should be on Saturdays because Saturday is really cool. We could talk about zooey things like rumors about Shiv's upcoming new album. We could hear someone at the front of the room tell captivating stories about different animals of the world like lions and hawks and dolphins. We could wear zoo clothes, like zoo-flag-colors necklaces or Zoo & Me hoodies or t-shirts that just have a big zeta on the front. We could all sing songs together, and we could meet so many different animals when we go, because knowing zoos, zoos would totally bring any animals they want to to Zoo Church. AND we could have lemonade and cookies for the humans who want any, and lots of other little kinds of snacks for the four-leggers who have come along (or the 0-leggers if anyone has brought a snake)
I think Zoo Church would be really cool and maybe Vex should do it on voice chat every week and capture the streams to make into a new zoo podcast feed that I can subscribe to.
Zoo Work
I don't love my job, it takes up a LOT of my day when I would rather be doing something else, like learning about horses or learning about cows or learning about sheep. But, sadly, nobody has offered to pay me a livable wage to go learn about animals, and I live in America so if I don't get money the government will just let me die, so I just do boring normal work to pay the rent, and then I can try to learn about animals in the free time that I have.
What I think would be neat is if my work was zooey, so that I could feed two birds with one scone. And I don't mean that my job should be Dog Kiss Tester, or anything quite that *directly* zooey. What I mean is like, if Zooey Dot Pub had an office in New York City where journalists' phones were ringing and machines were constantly printing out our daily new magazine issues... I would be happy to be like, a janitor there. Not even kidding! The work would at least be for a company I like, that has a zooey vision of the world that I am here for. I would be happy to contribute. I would feel like my working time is actually ffecting the world in a way I'm really happy with, rather than it just being "tedious chores for some CEO who I've never met so that he can make even more money."
It would even be cool if I worked at a place that wasn't zooey necessarily, like, let's say a clothing store or something, but it just so happened that I had a bunch of queer and zoo and zoo-ally coworkers. And so while we fold clothes and clean up puke or whatever you do at a clothing store, we could at least gossip about stuff like rumors we heard about Shiv's next upcoming album, or I could tell my non-zoo coworkers about the cool lion story I heard at Zoo Church last Saturday.
Zoo Gym
Lastly, I also think it would be cool to be able to go to a Zoo Gym.
I don't want a place to go run on a treadmill or lift weights, I want a place where they will transform me into a Pokémon and I can go fight other zoophiles who have also been transformed into Pokémon. I want to shock Brass Bulldog with a jillion volts from my Pikachu cheeks and then slap the fuck out of Toggle.
Article written by Dogteeth (April 2025)
