Dogs are Gross
Dogs do a lot of things that are pretty gross, huh?
I want to give a trigger warning early on, this article actually is going to talk about things that genuinely could be considered gross. It's not like, "it smells like wet dog in here ewwwww," it's more like, things related to bodily waste, events that would make germ-conscious people uneasy. Not a joke, that's going to be happening soon ahead, and there's going to be a lot of frank language. So, your emergency exit is right here, if needed, it's okay to dip out now.
Anyways, yeah, I have known dogs who would roll in poop if they got the opportunity. They just seemed super happy to have their back covered in other animals' poop to bring home and show off to everyone. They would gladly let you pet them without mentioning that they were covered in poop, they would gladly lay on the couch or on your bed. I have known dogs who would quickly gobble up random road kill that they found, and then wonder why the human doesn't super feel like being licked tonight when they get home.
Dogs do gross things! When we take dogs on a walk, it is a routine thing that they pause at some point during the walk, hunker down, poop, and then we are supposed to pick up their poop in a plastic bag and carry it around until we can find a trash can to drop it off in. I know that personally, I always tend to get the poop bags made from recycled content: not because of the amazing good that I'm doing for Mother Earth, but mainly because those ones happen to be the most opaque, and so I don't have to be carrying around a totally transparent plastic bag with dog crap visibly smeared all over inside of it as I walk by other humans, who might see a totally transparent plastic bag with dog crap visibly smeared all over inside of it and go, "Gross!"
My dog husband, throughout his life, was prone to ear infections. I have memories of him digging his ears against the carpet until they bled, and I had to be hyper vigilant to stop him if he was about to scratch; I wasn't able to cook, because my eyes would be off of him for too long at some point; I definitely wasn't able to leave and go grocery shopping. I cleaned his blood off of the carpet, spraying the carpet cleaner on and letting it soak and then pressing paper towels down against the carpet, again and again, forming a pile of bloodied, cleanser-soaked paper towels on the floor nearby. I have memories of holding his head in place and squirting medicine deep into his ears, and then afterwards of course he would shake his head, and get ear-y medical solution all over the kitchen, and I would just be thankful that I had been able to give the medicine to him, and then get wipes and clean off wherever the splatters had gotten.
I have wiped a dog's butt.
In the course of living with a dog, you are going to see their feces and urine, probably their blood. I remember recently, a friend's puppy was licking my face, and the tang of blood was apparent in his licks, probably a little wound from roughhousing. I don't think my friend could have reasonably done anything to prevent this wound: we're talking about a puppy. The little guy's favorite-favorite thing is biting stuff, tearing stuff apart with his lil teeths, competing with the other puppies to tear stuff up the most. You've got a creature there who practically has a top priority mission in life to stay hyper until you get distracted for 20 seconds and then they can chew apart a plastic cup and oops scratch their little gums up.
I guess the thing is, it's not like I myself have never seen my own blood or made my own waste. I've peeled sheets of thin, tattered skin off of myself after a sunburn. I've squeezed pus out of pimples when they look squeezable. When I was a kid I always picked my scabs and then usually ate them. I sneeze, I blow my nose, I use the bathroom. I present myself as very clean nowadays, professionally especially, but I won't front like I've never-ever-with-a-cherry-on-top been gross in my entire life. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." "Let she who has never been gross say 'ewww, gross!'"
I think whether among animals or among humans, it's the sign of mature relationships to accept that grossness is a part of having a body. That doesn't mean it's polite to go around waving a bag of dog poop in strangers' faces, but, I'll give you an example of two different contexts where different amounts of gross exposure were appropriate.
Gross Min: When I call in sick to an office job, I will just say in my normal voice, "Hey I can't make it, I am for sure sick with something, I don't want to give it to anyone." I don't list any symptoms. I don't ham up a sick voice to really sell it to my boss; if I actually do have a sick voice I will try to downplay it, the boss doesn't need to hear it. And the boss says, "Yeah please don't come in, I'll approve the time off, I hope you feel better soon."
Gross Max: When my nurse friends call in sick to their nursing jobs, they will say in as messed up of a voice as possible, "Hey--*cough cough cough, ccccoooughhhh!* Ugh. No I have a fever of 100 and I am shitting my brains out, it's all liquid, I can't leave the toilet. I am just drenched in sweat, fighting to keep water down and that's going alright so far, I vomited the chicken noodle soup I tried to have a few hours ago, I haven't been able to get any sleep, I have been up all night sweating and defecating." And the boss says, "Okay that sounds awful you do sound sick, maybe try (medical advice here), you can take today off, hope to see you tomorrow but check in if you're still sick."
As far as relationships that are intimate, rather than professional? I think that being able to be casually gross around each other is a sign that a romantic relationship is going really well, to be honest. There's this idea that goes around the internet, that in a relationship, there is "the fart barrier," the point in a new relationship where you are finally willing to fart while your significant other is present, rather than trying to make a polite impression and keeping it in. Maybe this is just me, but I think it's amazing to be in a relationship where you can take all of your armor off with someone and be genuinely comfortable. Waking up in the morning with my dog husband, a lot of mornings I would pass gas, and then hear a tail thump thump thump against the bedsheets, because he knows that I'm up and we're about to go on a walk. And if that isn't love...
Even as someone who is not a germophobe, there were some things that were a little much for me. If we were out walking, and I hear "CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH" and then crouch down and have to get him to open his jaw and pull a dead roadkill rodent out of his mouth, I will *probably* remember that when we get home later, and not want to mouth kiss until he's at least like, eaten something else and had some water. But, already in that scenario, we are past the point where me mouth kissing with a dog "seems gross" to me in any other circumstances. We are past the point where sticking my hands in a dog's drooly mouth to pull out roadkill is gross. It seems that we like each other a lot. It seems that we are pretty dang comfortable with each other, the post-roadkill munching kissing thing is just, it seems like an actual health hazard, is the only reason I say no thank you.
I think that this picture is better than the less mature alternative. Like, let's say the dog stepped in poop, and I gotta get it off of those pawpads and out of the paw hair when we get inside. I think it's good to be able to be like, hey let's come over here to the kitchen, and then I get a bowl of water and some paper towels and guide him on how I need him to stand and what paw to lift, and I'm chatting to him about what spots I need to get and how close we are to being done with this. Versus, if I was like, having an attitude with him the whole time, because I think he did something super gross? How does that help him, how does that help us, if the whole time I'm going, "EWWWW, what the fuck did you do this for, ohhh this is so gross ugh, agh, ugggggh." Like, I can't really even picture myself doing it. A whole part of our relationship is that we take care of each other, in cleanliness or in grossness.
It's kinda gross to carry around dog poop. But, it's fantastic to get to see them sniffing around and wagging as you walk. It's awesome bonding to be together on this leash, and let them lead the walk and choose the pace and the direction, but for you to also provide input so nobody goes out into traffic and a polite distance is kept from other walkers. And, practically speaking, their poop is an indicator of their health, I have seen what they drop and been relieved that it looks healthy, especially if they have just had some kind of medical issues going on.
Things about dogs that are "gross," I really came to love a lot of those gross things anyways.
"Wet dog smell" was just me and him getting back in from a walk in the rain.
A dog licking his own balls, hey, good on him for practicing some self care.
People who were over playing Warhammer would be like, "Ohhhhhh," and another one would go, "Oh that's *bad.*" And it genuinely took me a while to realize they meant that the dog had farted. It was just like, not even on my conscious radar, it smelled like normal, like being at home with my life partner.
Article written by Alissa Dogchurch (September 2024)
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