Goodbye

I go to the dog park with my therapist every week, and being around the dogs makes my day. At first I was an absolute nervous wreck about it, worried I was doing something wrong by going there, that I didn't belong and people would be weirded out by me being there.  And then I met you. You immediately stood out to me, so pretty, so perfect. beautiful light brown fur, a dark face and snout, brown eyes so full of emotion and life and love. I went over, and you loved me, and I loved you. We relaxed there for a while as I pet your soft fur and you licked me. Your smile was one of the best things to see, that absolutely lovely face. You were the prettiest German Shepherd I have ever met. every ounce of your fur, every bit of your body, every sound you made, every bit of even how you smelled, it was absolutely perfect. You made me so happy and I did to you in turn, the anxiety I had melted away when you were here. You always barked at the other dogs when they got close, wanting me all for yourself. The way you put your paw on my arm always made my day.
 
 
We kept seeing each other, made sure to make time for each other, arranged to see each other again every week. It was just as much of a treat for you as it was for me. The time we spent together was time that I treasure deeply, and was absolutely perfect. The walks we had, the time we had in the shade, laying down on a patch of grass together, every bit of it was perfect. You were an old girl, I knew that. Your knees weren't the best, you had trouble sitting down right, you had trouble walking right, but you kept pushing on and on, for as long as you could.
 
 
I knew that eventually you would have to leave, that eventually it would get to be too much for you to push through. I don't blame you for that, I don't blame anyone for that.
 
 
We got one long walk in, one long lovely walk; that was two weeks ago, and I enjoyed every bit. That would be the last walk you ever had, but I didn't know.
 
 
 
You were in so much pain I couldn't even see you the next week, you could barely move. I think it was then I knew the time was coming quicker than I thought, I was worried I wouldn't be able to see you again.
 
 
And then, I was proven right. I was told that you were gone. You must have been in so much pain, you must have been so scared, I'm glad to know that in the end at least you were with family, at home, comfy. Even still, I wonder if in the end You wondered where I was, when You would get to see me again. I wish I could have been there for you. I wish I could have helped you. I wish I could have soothed you as the pain stopped. I wish I could have said a proper goodbye to you. 
 
 
And this happening to me, really puts it into perspective how much loss is felt from even this. I can only imagine how much pain and loss there is when you have been partners for years and years, it must be absolutely devastating to someone's entire state of being. An absolute upheaval to everything they knew and held dear. Loss is an unfortunate byproduct of loving something to the sheer and absolute extent that us zoos love our partners. Loss is something we will all have to go through, and it's horrible. But it's best to try and focus on the good that came from the source of loss, the good times that in the end generated that loss. It's really hard to even fathom the amount of loss that must happen in this community, that which is based around love of those with a shorter lifespan than our own. The loss that is inevitable when you have a non-human partner. The amount of pain and loss that happens is scary, when you think about having a non-human partner, but in the end it's not healthy to focus on the inevitable loss. What's important is instead to focus on the moment, the present, the good that comes from these absolutely beautiful partnerships between human and non human. And when the inevitable time comes, it's good to remember the good times, the reason why there is that feeling of loss in the first place, and to mourn in your own healing way.
 
 
And now, since I couldn't then, I'll say it here. How much you meant to me, how much you brightened my life. I love you and always have, and always will, and I hope wherever you are, you're not hurting anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you in the end. I love you, C, goodbye.
 
 
 
Article written by Jade (May 15th)

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