I used to be an anti
Hello! I’d like to make it clear first that I am in NO way a good writer, nor am I good with words. But this is important to me, and even being given a chance at this is amazing. So, without further adieu… I am Goshawk, a 19 year old Zoophile (Zoosexual, if you will).
I have spent nearly my entire life living with, fostering, and handling non-humans in multiple different ways for hundreds of different reasons. Non-humans have been an extremely consistent part of my childhood and my life, and I never even sought to realize how important they were to me, and how much I truly WAS connected with them. I will admit, I was never bright when it came to opening up about my feelings or attractions. I was always timid. This includes my non-zoosexual identities as well, such as me being a lesbian towards humans, as well as genderfluid/gender apathetic.
Though it is terrible to admit, I repressed my identity, yes even my queer one, for a long time. I had no interest in dealing with discourse, drama, hatred, abuse, and so on; since that seemed to be the only thing I had ever come into contact with in the queer community. The idea of being ridiculed, harassed, or rejected for my identity inside and outside of the community was absolutely not something I would have ever risked, though eventually, I was able to open up and find a solid group of people, some of which I am still close with and talk to regularly.
At around the same time, I began realizing I was attracted to non-humans. Which, may I add, did not help me at ALL with distress. I will not and cannot lie to you. Finding comfort in your identities, especially zoosexuality, can be very scary and very new especially for how young I was at the time. Puberty was hitting me like a load of bricks and I had thought it was just a phase, a fetish. But it kept coming back, kept coming up every time I attempted repression. It felt and looked so similar to the distress I faced trying to push away the fact that I liked women. Both were so specific to me. The way a woman would make my stomach become fluttery, it was the perfect correlation to how I felt towards non-humans; tingly, warm, and safe. To this day I see no difference for how things rolled over for me. This repression went on all throughout my teenage years.
I was miserable, I was depressed, and I was scared. To me, the subject was far more taboo than being a lesbian ever was. I couldn’t speak to anyone. Friends, parents, school counsellors. It was torture to face on my own. I wouldn’t wish that pain upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. But at some point in 2021, I learned that others were speaking about the subject even while I couldn’t. I heard the username of a zoo (now a very problematic zoo) on twitter who was speaking candidly about the topic. I was hearing all of these terrible things, about people like me, about her. How we are nothing but abusers and people who wish to do harm. This did many, many numbers on my mental health and seemed to prove my doubts. “I’ll never be able to talk about this”. And so I kept it hidden away. But, as much as it gave fuel to my concerns, it was also somewhat validating to know that there were other people out there that felt the same way I felt. Yet I still hid.
I was a coward for that, I admit. But amongst my long-term repression, I went into the Twitter space. I originally posted about things entirely unrelated to zoosexuality or anything else, because I felt I had no need. But I ran into a user, yet another zoo whom I do not believe I will name, and they made me furious. I had seen them so openly and proudly posting about their zoo attraction and I refused to understand, as I was still in my repression. I had the mentality of an anti. The anti space was filled with ignorance, hate, and a LOT of misunderstanding on Zoosexuality. Unfortunately, since I was too scared to speak up or correct anyone, all I could do was sit back and pretend. I engaged in harassment, hate, and I hurt a lot of people. In these spaces, though, I can only wonder how many of them felt the same way as me; wonder how many of those antis were as scared and repressive as I was.
I harassed a specific user for several days, and I’m honestly in shock that I wasn’t muted or blocked. I was incredibly disrespectful to them and I looked like a fool, a massive, silly fool. I had enough one night and made my way into their DM’s for answers, in actual tears because I simply did not understand. It was a mix of so many emotions and feelings. Fear, anger, sadness, disappointment and MAYBE a hint of relief. We had talked over several things including consent, dissent, and I remember asking ONE simple question that really brought me to my senses about the whole situation. “If evidence came out that the actions between you and your partner were 100% harmful, no exceptions, would you stop?” And the answer was a definitive yes, no hesitation from their end, not even a stutter.
I started to understand this feeling a bit more, I began to realize that maybe this wasn’t so bad. Maybe I didn’t need to hide this part of myself anymore. And maybe, just maybe, I was finally safe to speak up. Them and I talked for several months afterwards, and I opened up to them about my zoo attraction, as well as my repression. They helped me come to terms entirely with my identity and I had never felt more comfortable, loved, accepted. Since I have been able to come face-to-face with this, in the long run I’d say I’m definitely a community activist. My goals, intentions, and future are locked in on trying to better improve the Zoo community, help others like me. To help those struggling find a safe, stable community. Though it is a bit of a mess at the moment, I can only work, push, and wish for that to change. Sometimes for us zoos, all it takes is a loving hand, some open ears, and a patient heart. Sometimes we just need you to listen to us when it gets hard. Sometimes we need YOU. Not every “anti” is out to get you. Not every “anti” wants you dead or locked away. Some are confused, some are scared, and some are people like me who just needed a stable, loving foundation. You are not a monster, you are worth more than what anyone could ever say to you. You’re imperfect, but that is beautiful. Thank you for your time.
~Sincerely, Goshawk (September 2022)
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