Secret Warlock Benefits For Being A Zoophile

Some gods out there really like it when people are sexually and/or romantically attracted to animals. Whether a fledgeling zoo has just started noticing that they really like to look at the way horses walk, or whether a greymuzzle zoo has spent countless summer nights winding down for bed by stroking their dog spouse's fur as they spoon by the open window, there are certain supernatural abilities which we can recognize each other by, skills that the various gods of the worlds give to their favored people, zoophiles.
 
 
 
Telepathy 100ft With Other Zoophiles
 
It's a tale as old as time: Someone is grappling with their feelings of animal attraction, wondering whether it's right or wrong, worrying that these feelings make them an outcast from the rest of society... and then, their classmate says to them, psychically, from the other corner of the classroom: "It's okay. Meet me outside of the gym after 4th period. I'm going to give you some stickers."
 
Sometimes silly hateful boogerheads at furry conventions spend hours of their con time, maybe even entire days, trying to find and expose all of the "nefarious" (nefurious?) zoophile activity that they hear so many rumors about, never realizing that zoos can just spot one another by telepathically communicating with each other within 100ft.
 
 
 
Art Skillz
 
Drawings of animals. Notes from instruments. Fire memes. Zoophiles are the most talented artists on the planet. Every great artist is a zoophile. We can confirm this with the telepathy. All the best musicians are zoos. All the best writers are zoos. If you've ever experienced a piece of art that made you feel a strong emotion or really made you reflect and think about the world in a new way, it was made by a zoophile. 
The best video games are actually made by either solo devs that are zoophiles, or by studios entirely made up of zoos.
 
 
 
Conjure 6 Crunchwrap Supremes Per Full Moon
 
Some go beef. Some go black bean. It is unknown whether these Crunchwrap Supremes are vegan, or at least freegan. Do they come from the bags of other diners, vanishing as they are being handed out of the drive thru window? Are they made of flesh and milk like other Chrunchwrap Supremes are, or are they made of something more alike to manna? Do they come from our dimension at all? Debate rages among scholars, but for thousands of years, animal kissers have enjoyed 6 Crunchwrap Supremes per full moon, all 6 having to be conjured at the same exact time.
 
 
 
Eldritch Blast
 
If you've ever played DnD, it's that.
 
 
 
10% Better at Cat Napping
 
Have you ever found a nice ray of sunshine and just laid down it in and fell asleep? Well, did you know that zoophiles are actually 10% better at that? Yep. They fall asleep 10% more effectively, are 10% warmer throughout the process, and wake up 10% more rested than the average person. The downside to this is that it's harder to stay awake when they do find that perfect spot, but sometimes everyone needs a good cat nap.
 
 
 
Conclusion
 
Our otherworldly skills as zoophiles are numerous. Hundreds of pages could be filled, volume after volume, if trying to list every single one of them. Many zoophiles, out of convenience, deny to non-zoos that zoophilia is anything magical. "No, no, it's pretty much just like being attracted to humans," "We're just like you are," et cetera, et cetera. After all, there's basically no point in just making non-zoos jealous of who we are loved by, what we know, what we do.
 
 
 
 
Article written by Wolfgang Wolfgang Wolfgang Spidergang Wolfgang (May 2025)
 
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