What If A Zoo Got The Lottery Money?
Hello, my name is Dogteeth, and I am legally allowed to see a dog, and notice that they are wagging as they sniff the air in my direction. I can then get on my knees as they approach, sniffing and looking at me and wagging. I can offer out my arms (I'm a zoosexual by the way I'm attracted to animals) as they keep wagging and come in to be pet, and I can pet them all up and down their coat, telling them that they're so good and so soft, as they stand there and lean in to my rubs and wag a lot more and crane their neck up to the sky as though to say, "I am so happy to be appreciated, she gets it, she gets how much I should be appreciated."
I am a zoosexual, and there is nothing illegal about having that identity and still existing in the real world and interacting with real animals; the act of bestiality may be illegal in some places, but the act of petting a happy dog is not illegal at all, even for zoosexuals, at least not in the United States.
And, in addition to being allowed to pet dogs, I am also allowed to go to a gas station, bet a small amount of money, and then win a billion dollars.
Like, the lottery doesn't care that I'm a zoosexual, the lottery is just random numbers being selected: it could choose the zoosexual's number just as easily as it could choose the straight pastor or the bi cashier.
So, what if a big lottery jackpot was won by someone who prefers to date dogs over humans?
Well, here are some ideas.
1. Screwing Over The Meat And Dairy Industry
If I had a billion dollars of spending money right now, the first thing I would do is find out how to spend it to take a swing at the biggest, most large-scale perpetrator of animal abuse and animal objectification. The biggest enemy of the people I love. The countless factories that value my family members for nothing more than the meat on their bones, and will add to their pain and take away from their freedom in any way they can think of that might mean getting a few more bucks in the end.
Let's see what would happen if both sides had money to spend.
Right now, I am just a peasant holding a picket sign, saying "I shall not partake of your cruelty," as meanwhile a queue forms up beside me of a hundred neighbors, coworkers, and friends, who are more than happy to partake of the cruelty of eating factory farmed meat.
But if I could hire and outfit a task force? If I could hire lawyers and analysts, people with insider knowledge and people with boots on the ground experience, and find out the best plan of attack? And then DO it, with the force of a billion dollars behind it? That is the first thing my billion is going towards.
2. Cool Animals Sanctuary
Another way I would like to help the animals of the world, if I won the lottery, is to help fund cool animal sanctuaries.
Like, the fantasy is to start one myself, have a place where me and a bunch of people I've hired all take good care of animals who were in perilous situations. Maybe animals I'm more used to like dogs and horses and cows, but hey, how cool would it be to say "Yeah I'm friends with a tiger and eight penguins and like six dolphins." Like, that would be pretty cool, and it sounds like it would be very fun and very informative.
But, I'm sure that other animal sanctuaries, ones that already exist, could also use the money. And since they probably already know what they're doing, I'd probably just help fund the ones that are already out there. Plus it could still be so much fun: getting on planes to go to animal sanctuaries all over the world, get a vibe of what they're like, hear about their goals and what they've already managed to do, see all the animals.
Helping animals to live happy lives, that's always something that I'm happy to spend my money on.
3. Fun Zoo Media
The animals come first, but, if I was chatting with my accountant, and she was telling me, "Dogteeth, you HAVE to spend more money, these animal rights causes are great, but they're just not spending your money fast enough, PLEASE find a way to spend more." Then, of course, we could also look at the human side of the "zoosexual interests" equation.
How cool would it be to see zooey MOVIES? Complete with actors, lighting, plots that are really touching and funny and charming, and actually reflect different aspects of how we feel, living lives as zoosexuals: the joys of playing with dogs, the heartbreak and worry of when something is wrong with them and we have to take care of them, the anxiety of being found out, or conversely, the euphoria of being openly zoo.
There could be zoo video games, zoo murals painted big on city walls, heck we could make merch, zoo shirts or zoo soda flavors or something.
We already make music and podcasts and visual art and a ton of fun zoo media. And, honestly, the DIY culture of zoo art is pretty cool, I love what we're getting done right now. I'm just saying that pouring gasoline on this campfire would also probably be ultra cool.
Closing Thoughts
If this zoosexual won the lottery, she would have a big to-do list.
It doesn't take winning the lottery to still have an impact: just being there for a friend to talk to can be a big deal, coming out to people so that they are aware they know a zoo can be a big deal, making a little zooey meme or a little zooey art edit can make a lot of zoos' days better. Feeding a dog, taking a cat to the vet, there are ways we can live our ordinary lives that are a mark of good upon the world.
But also seriously if I do win the lottery how fucking cool would that be for zoosexuals?
Article written by Dogteeth (October 2024)
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