5 ways to tell if a dog wants to smash
Hi there readers! Sometimes we like to write articles based off of questions we recieve on Twitter from nice people sending us pictures of beloved characters like Sonic and Goku. One sentiment that we seem to recieve a lot is confusion around how canines are able to communicate that they’re interested in having sex. As an educational magazine, it seemed like the right thing to do to answer that very serious question that they’re asking in a totally non-rhetorical way, in the hopes that they’ll read this article and have a better understanding of canine communication. Also because it’s funny! So without further ado, here’s 5 ways to tell if a dog wants to smash.
#1
This might be the most direct one on the list! So, you know how there’s been a trend recently of people getting a bunch of buttons that play a word when pressed, and they teach their animals to communicate through those buttons? You can have things like “Walk” or “Play” or “Food.” Some button setups even feature more advanced concepts, including things like specific humans or other animals in the house, or maybe emotions like “Happy,” “Sad,” or “Angry.” While it may take a while for your partner to learn which buttons are which (dogs aren’t really programmed to use human words like that after all), a great additional button you can add in to your current repertoire is “Sex”! While there may be a few misfires before everyone totally figures out the system, so long as you’re being conscientious of your partner’s body language after the button is pressed, there’s no harm done!
Plus, it can be a great way to gauge their interest if you’re the one that’s feeling frisky! Simply press the sex button and see their reaction! Once the word association clicks in, it’s a very easy way to communicate that there’s desire in the air. And it has the added benefit of dunking on the haters when they say that animals can’t verbally consent! Two for one!
#2
Have you ever been trying to watch TV, but instead you’re just watching dog vulva? Well my friend, you might have been missing out!
If you’ve ever had to try and convince your dog that that piece of something that they picked up off the ground and are now eating probably isn’t going to be healthy for them, chances are you know that sometimes canines aren’t great with subtlety. To that end, female dogs have come to make it extremely obvious when they’re single and ready to mingle. Especially while they’re in heat! There are some scent indicators they put out to let other males (or females) know that they’re feeling pretty darn receptive, but unfortunately we aren’t as smart as dogs and can’t communicate olfactorally, and so instead they have to try and dumb it down for us. Female dogs do this by standing directly in front of us and moving aside their tails. That way, she knows that we know that she knows that it’s time to give her a little bit more attention. Dogs can be incredibly perceptive to where we’re looking, so don’t be surprised if she moves to make sure that she’s always right in your sight line. Don’t worry, you can always catch up on that TV show later.
#3
Let’s move on to an easy one. You’ve probably heard of the term bedroom eyes before, but did you know that dogs have excellent bedroom eyes? And sometimes even bedroom whines! If there’s a specific place that you and the interest of your affection like to get busy, that may become the “sex space” to them. The place where if both of you are hanging out, it means they probably get to get off. Dogs are great at associating places with actions or moods just like humans! When you go to work you’re in work mode, when you get home it’s relax mode. This is true of dogs as well! Similarly, you know when you’re in the bathroom it’s pee time, and when you’re sitting on the living room couch it’s not pee time. Even if you tried to pee while sitting on the living room couch you would probably find it much harder than when you’re at the toilet. Or maybe you wouldn’t, I’m not here to judge your life. Anyway, speaking of pee, you probably know how to tell if your dog needs to go out for a little bladder relief. They can clearly tell you that it’s time to get a move on. Just like that, if you always give your partner your handies in the bedroom, then perhaps when your partner is constantly trying to get your attention and lead you to the bedroom there’s a good chance that they’re looking to get it on.
Keep it lighthearted though! This isn’t a hard and fast rule that bedroom = action. Sometimes bedroom = nap time, or “I heard a weird noise outside while I was in the living room just now and feel more secure in the bedroom at the moment, I’d kind of like it if you were in here with me too for pack safety.” In our survey of dogs who have taught their humans that there are some places that are fun to get busy, we heard of one instance where a pair of paramours had a spot in their walks through the mountains that they both liked to make a pleasure pit stop at; however, if the dog kept on walking past that spot then the human didn’t ask any questions and was happy to keep moving along, and if the human kept walking past that spot he usually escaped with only some playful passing scratches to his pant legs.
#4
You ever do that thing where you’re getting out of the shower and it’s wet and you’re tired and so you slip and land on your hands and knees with your rear in the air and a nearby dog decides to try and dry you off from the back with their fur?
What about when you’re doing yoga in the park (while naked of course) and just as you’re doing some downward facing dog, an actual dog decides to help you with your posture by hopping up on top of you?
Well, not to shock you, but that dog may have actually been trying to have sex with you!
Dogs are amazing, intelligent creatures, but sometimes they lack situation awareness. So if you start to notice that they’re really trying to give it a shot when they see an opportunity, that might mean that they’re interested in you. It doesn’t even need to be in a generally naked way! If a canine starts humping your leg, that might not necessarily mean that they’re interested in having a romantic relationship with you, but it could mean that they wouldn’t mind if you decided to slip in the shower or do some yoga, or find some other excuse to put your backside at an applicable height for them to enjoy.
#5
Masturbation. It’s something that most people do as an outlet for their sexual urges. Generally, this is an activity done on your own in a secluded location where you can quickly pop one off before getting back to your day. Dogs, however, do not have the same level of shame that we humans tend to have about our sexuality, and as such will have no problem absolutely destroying the stuffed animal you got from your best friend 10 years ago or absolutely soaking the lining on that pillow you just washed.
Now, on its own this might not tell you that the canine is specifically looking for your affection, but it’s a pretty clear sign that they could certainly use some relief. Perhaps especially from someone with very conveniently shaped hands. Chances are, if they’re ready to pop a knot in a perfectly bundled pile of blankets, they’ll also be pretty excited to get frisky with their favorite human. If nothing else, it’ll certainly cut down on your laundry bill!
Ta-Da!
And there you have it! Five ways to tell if a dog wants to smash that definitely aren’t all just by reading their very direct body language with extra steps! At the end of the day, there are so many ways that a canine companion can communicate their carnal desires. We hope that this was helpful in answering any questions that you may have about this issue! Hopefully now in the future, you’ll find it much easier to understand when you’ve got a dog on (or in) your hands who’s ready to rumble! Happy smashing!
Article written by Tarro (June 2023)
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