Dogs are Hot
Hi there! Are you into guys that are toned, but don't necessarily look like a body builder? Are you into girls that can look classy no matter what they're wearing? Are you into long walks on the beach, or in the park, or through the city, or really anywhere? Let's face it. Dogs are super hot. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. People can cry and bemoan if they want, but the attractiveness of man's (or woman's) best friend is unquestionable. I mean, let's face facts here.
Let's take it from the top. Have you seen dog ears? Like, sometimes they're >,but then something happens and they go ^, but then it's just a passing car and they relax and it goes back to >. How cute is that? Human ears? It's not even close! The BEST you might be able to get is maybe a wiggle, and that's more creepy than sexy. You know how elves are specifically designed to be the hottest possible version of humans? Guess what kind of ears they have. That's right. And that's not to avoid giving love to our floppy eared friends too. Have you ever seen a Labrador shake after getting out of a lake? So majestic! That's a move as powerful as any hair flip! Plus, they're so soft! Dog ears are more than just practical! They're beautiful!
Speaking of beauty, have you ever looked into the eyes of a dog lovingly at 8PM after snuggling and giving them pets for an hour while watching a ContraPoints video on shame? You turn to look at them, and see they're already looking at you. You blush, looking into their perfect eyes, and realize that the love between you is immune to shame, it's too powerful. That's the power of a dog's eyes. And that's without even getting into the beautiful combinations that are out there! The heterocromia of Huskies, the intelligent eyes of a Collie, the intensity of a Shepherd. Those are some eyes that you can get lost in.
Have you ever looked at a human nose? Like, just by itself? Whoever designed that needs a few more years in design school. It's big, it's bulky, it looks out of place. There's our flat face, and someone just glued our nose on top of it. Nothing like the immaculate design of a dog nose. Not only is it hundreds of times better than ours mechanically, it also just fits the face structure better. It's like a cabinet with a built in microwave vs just having one sitting on your counter. It's sleek, it's modern, it's refined. And, as an added bonus it's a little bit wet so that when you nuzzle against each other you get an extra tactile sensation. Peak nose design.
Speaking of wet, *dog mouths*. Are you fucking kidding? Perfection. Dogs have the ability to smile in a way that warms you to the depths of your cold, broken heart. Not to mention they can yawn really big (so cute) and stick out their tongue and pant (seductive), and they have that big long tongue that's perfect for kissing. If you've never kissed a dog you have no idea what you're missing. Kissing a human is like "mwah," but kissing a dog is like "shlurp." Humans are the "we have kissing at home" of the make out world.
And can we just talk about dog bodies in general for a minute here? We're six paragraphs deep into this article at this point and we haven't even gotten off the face! There's so much more to love. Have you ever seen a dog run? Holy cow. The way they can run, jump, swim, climb. Sure humans can do all that too, but dogs do it in *style*. They're elegant, graceful. Down to the little steps a dog will take when they find something they want to sniff at. The general body of a dog is perfection. From head to tail.
Speaking of tails, wow. Tails. What can I even say? Tails might be the best creation ever. No matter how many mugs a dog knocks off my couch table, instantly shattering them into a million pieces and creating a huge safety hazard, I could never be mad at tails. Imagine if you walked in the door after a long day of work and your human partner had some kind of physical visceral reaction to even just seeing you, conveying the fact they missed you in the most tangible way possible. And it's not just wagging! From a raised tail while they're on search mode, to a tail curled around them while they sleep. A tail makes everything better and dare say I fully believe that we should have our top scientists working at full speed to find a way to bring them to humans as soon as possible. Hell, I don't even think non-zoos would disagree!
There's another body part near the tail that I like but this is a magazine for the pure, so I'll just say, wow.
Speaking of wow, have you ever contemplated dog paws? Like, seriously. What even are they? We don't have paws! What would our equivalent even be? The soles of our feet? A pathetic imitation, if you could even describe it as an imitation. What I do know is that they're incredible. From the purely survival fact of how adaptable it makes them to a number of different terrains to the fact that they smell a little bit like corn chips. I don't believe in god, but the paws of a dog are the best evidence I've ever seen of intelligent design. There's a reason maws, which are definitively usable for things like kissing and other activities, are frequently rated against paws in furry circles.
When you stop and face facts, dogs are objectively just super hot. And what's crazy is that we're blessed enough to live in a world where there are so many other incredibly attractive animals too! Horses, cats, dolphins, birds, foxes. So many of the beings we inhabit our world with are beautiful. My preferences might be towards canines, but I can certainly understand where the more equine inclined are coming from. Or pretty much anyone else for that matter!
I also want to mention, it's not like it's just physical attributes that make animals so attractive. There's one part of dogs that I skipped over before, and that's their brains. Dogs might not be able to help you very much with your math homework, but that doesn't make their intelligence any less valuable. The thing is, much like every human, every dog is unique. Saying that I like how dogs are loyal, or how they love giving me licks, or how excited they are to see you, those are all traits that I love about my dog. But you could have absolutely different things you love about the dogs in your life. That's not to discount their intelligence, I'm just not here to tell you how your dog feels. I'm just here to tell you that they're probably really hot.
Move over Taylor Swift, get out of here Timothée Chalamet. I'm not interested. My dream date has four legs, soft fur, and okay can I just mention one more time how cute dog noses are? Like jeeeeeez.
Article written by Tarro (March 2024)
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