Elves

I've always been a big fan of elves. There's something about them that I've just always found really neat. Of course, they're typically presented in very favorable ways. They're the graceful, wise race that tends to generally have their shit together. There tend to be some flaws, but not in the ways that other fantasy races that tend to populate the cultural zeitgeist. 
 
I think dogs probably look at humans like we look at elves. I mean, just think about it. We're much more long lived, we're naturally in tune with magic, or at least technology that must seem like magic. We certainly seem wise, I mean, we keep finding those big bags of food somewhere. We've got different, weird shaped ears. 
 
Fantasy stories tend to have a lot of romance in them to keep things juicy, and a good amount of that romance is cross raced. And, while I haven't really gone out of my way to confirm this, it certainly seems like most of the cross species romances that humans get into are with elves. I can only think of a handful of stories where in the end the main character ends up hooking up with the dwarf or orc of their affection. But there are lots of examples of little half-elves being popped out by the time credits roll. And I think that's interesting. 
 
It certainly helps that elves are the sexy, perfect race. But, realistically when we talk about "natural compatibility" that should be one of the lowest ratings. Humans are natural industrialists. They're typically depicted as the race that can always figure it out in the end. They love things like commerce, and tend to be more boisterous and prone to error. If anything, I feel like dwarves would be the perfect match in that regard. A dwarf in the back smithing and a human that runs the storefront. 
 
But here's the thing. Dwarves, orcs, giants, gnomes, all of those races are depicted as "lesser." They're fine, but they tend to be played for a more comedic effect. They're the best friend, or the travelling companion, or the villain (but not the main one, typically just the henchman or straight up fodder). They aren't placed in a position to be desirable. They're what you settle for, if not being straight up gross. At the end of the day, it's us writing these stories, and so we get to choose who our main characters end up with, and nine times out of ten, if it's not another human, it's the super hot magically attuned perfect humanoid. 
 
And like, shouldn't that be problematic? As a zoosexual, I've had the same repetitive arguments about why my love for my dog is "wrong" over and over and over again yelled at me, to the point that sometimes I think about it when I don't want to. And one time, it was while watching a movie where a human and an elf happened to be getting together. And it was a weird moment for me. Shouldn't this kind of relationship be wrong? 
 
Consent is a topic that people against zoophilia love to bring up, and it's an interesting one to think about through this lens as well. People say that animals can't consent, which is stupid and provably false. But when you say that, they specify that animals can't consent to sex. There's a power imbalance, they don't communicate in the same way we do, there's too big of a difference in intelligence.
 
First of all, elves are depicted as significantly more intelligent and wise than humans are. The difference in knowledge between a 300 year old elf and a 30 year old human is staggering. And it's not just knowledge knowledge. There's full on dimensions of the world that elves can experience that we don't based on their natural affinity with magic and the natural world. I get called a pedophile for liking dogs because they have the "intelligence of a 3-5 year old" (something which by the way isn't true), but what age must an adult human seem to an elf that's lived through 7 generations of humans already. Nobody is out here calling elves groomers for just thinking humans are kinda cute. 
 
And hey, speaking of magic, elves literally have the ability to charm people. Either innately or with magic. They can snap their fingers and make people like them. Doesn't that make consent in a relationship kinda tricky? I mean, people tell me all the time that my dog only likes me because I give him food, and yet elves literally have the capacity to just make someone into you and that's all good? Sure, they might not actually do it, but does allowing that kind of relationship open up the possibility of abuse? Not to mention all the other magic and what not. That certainly feels like one hell of a power imbalance. 
 
Even down to the communication thing there are parallels to relationships with humans and dogs. Elves tend to have their own language, but it's not like other languages which are just brutishly used for communication. Elven language is special. It's the language of the trees and the forest. It's magic in it's words. Sure, they communicate with it, but to speak a human language would be akin to speaking to a dog with body language. They do it to communicate with us, but it's a lesser version of speech that they're coming down to, losing the elloquance and artistry of their native way of communication.
I'm not trying to say that relationships between humans and elves are bad by any means. Like I said at the top, I like elves, I think they're cool. But at the same time, I think that it's hypocritical to condone fantasy relationships between elves and humans, and not condone the relationships between humans and animals. And while yes, you can make the point that fantasy relationships are just that, fantasy, I think it's worth considering, if Rings of Power had a human character have an explicitly sexual and romantic relationship with their horse, whether you'd feel the same way as you do humans and elves. 
 
As humans, we fantasize about a race capable of doing so much more than we can, while condemn races we see as lesser.  But something to think about is how it looks from the elf's perspective. An elf deciding to date a human is a zoosexual. They choose to take on a partner of a different species with a reduced lifespan and a lot of flaws that they don't have. But there's always a reason they do it. Because just like dogs, even though we can't speak Elvish or cast magic or live hundreds of years, or be perfectly in tune with nature, that doesn't make humans bad. In fact, I wouldn't even say that makes us lesser. Every species has things that they're good at, be it humans, elves or dogs. And if you're the kind of person who'd be mad about a human and dog dating, you better be just as mad about humans and elves, because that's just as zooey. 
 
Article written by Tarro (October 2024)
 
 
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