Thinking about Bestiality
If a dog humps your leg to completion is that bestiality? Because like, if a dog humps a pillow to completion I think most people would agree that that doesn't count as bestiality, right? But, the difference between those two things feels fairly nebulous in action. Maybe if you don't move your leg it isn't, but then if you do move your leg it is? What if the dog humps you to completion in the right position for doing that activity, but you're wearing pants so it can't actually happen. Is that still bestiality?
What if I made a little hat you could put on dogs and while they're wearing the hat, they can talk and also do math, is it still bestiality at that point? I mean, they can talk and do math so that's pretty human like. They do still have an animal body, but is that more important than the math thing? What if you could shapeshift? If you could turn into a dog, and then had sex with another dog, is that still bestiality You're a human on the inside, but an animal on the outside, so it feels a little weird. Maybe it's bestiality for you because you know it, but it's actually not bestiality for the other dog 'cause they just think you're another dog. What if you shapeshifted the dog into a human using the worst shapeshifting powers ever where you can turn anything into a human but nothing else? Would the mind of the dog in the human body be enough to count that as bestiality, or is that just human on human loving there?
What if you designed a robot to give horses really good handies? Is that bestiality? It's just amazing at that one thing, but it's just code. I feel like there's not enough intent there. What about if there was a human that was in control of the handjob bot? They weren't getting off or anything, but you know, they were there just putting in hours at the horse handjob factory. Is that bestiality? What if they were enjoying it but not in a sexual way, and just in a "wow I appreciate the majesty of these creatures" kind of way? I mean hell, what if they were enjoying it more overtly? Can you have e-bestiality? Remote bestiality? What if you built an AI instead, and the AI could recognize each horse and the things each horse liked and could customize the routine per horse. Does that count as bestiality? Sure it's still a program, but there's a lot more to it. What if we get to the point where Artificial General Intelligence is created and AIs start to think for themselves If a robot **enjoys** giving a horse a handie does that make it bestiality? Or does the lack of a second "living" being revoke that title fully
What if the roles were reversed, and someone made a robot horse that you as a human were getting down with. Is that bestiality? In this scenario, it feels less bestiality when there's a human controlling the horse, but maybe more if there's an AI involved? What if you trained the AI on ten thousand hours of horse videos and then did it? And the robot horse acts 100% exactly like a real horse would in every single way except the horse was made of metal. Ooh, or, what if the robot horse wasn't actually made of metal, but was synthetic like a secret robot. It had skin and fur and the facsimile of life, but on the inside was powered by electricity and oil and green power goop, but to the outside it looks and acts in every single way like a horse? Is that bestiality? Or what about a low tech solution? Say that you build a robot horse with some kind of lever action thruster, and every time that a real life normal horse presses down on some kind of floor switch, the robot horse thrusts. Is that bestiality? Actually, why bother with a floor lever at all. Say that you have the same set up, robot horse and you and then real horse, but instead a horse mount where the real horse can get up and do his thing, the robot horse thrusts every time the real horse does Is that bestiality?
Say that tomorrow aliens descended from the sky in some huge UFO. They land in the middle of the Bronx (a neighborhood in New York) right in an intersection, cause a ten mile traffic jam. The ramp to their shuttle slowly descends until eventually it reaches the ground, and out comes a little grey guy. And this little grey guy is LONELY. He's been on that spaceship for a while now and is ready for some action. On his way down the ramp he quickly cures cancer, explains the mysteries of the universe, and fixes climate change, before getting to the bottom, seducing the first lady he sees, and then they get it on. Is that bestiality? I mean, typically we ascribe bestiality to a human and a "lesser" life form of some kind (that's Webster's words not mine don't come at me), and at current we're the least lesser life form, and so that judgement is applied to the other animals we live with. But what if that dynamic changed and suddenly there were beings that eclipsed us by orders of magnitude. What if we were the lesser being? Is that still bestiality, or is that like, some other thing?
What if the aliens landed in the Bronx but instead of in the middle of an intersection they landed in the Bronx Zoo, the largest urban zoo in the US. Same scenario, the little guy gets off his ship, shoots lasers out of his eyes to cut through the enclosure to get to the dolphins and they just go to TOWN on each other. Is that bestiality? I mean, in this scenario the gap in power is now even larger, but there isn't even a human present. Does this change if the little grey guy is less human shaped? I mean, I'm sure you've been picturing your typical alien character, but what if the door to the UFO opens and out steps a dog except they're green and have three tails. They're the ones that get it going with the dolphin. Does that make it more bestiality or less? What if it was back in the first scenario with the human?
Speaking of humans, what if we finally unlock the power of space travel and we shoot some earthlings out into the universe and then one of them lands on a hospitable planet and they explore and they come across a big alien cat and they develop feelings for each other and fall in love and smash, is that bestiality? I mean, the alien is by definition an alien, even if it's an animal like alien, right? Or are all aliens animals? Is the term animal contingent on whether or not we think they're stupid? If so, is bestiality just sex with anyone stupid?
Question for you here. Say that you built a time machine, and you went back in time, how far back in the lineage of humanity would you have to go back to have bestiality with one of our progenitors? Like, if you go back to the Roman empire and get a quick hit in with one of those folks before the empire collapses, those are still very clearly humans as we see humans, even if they speak Roman and do slavery and stuff. You could go back to 2500 BCE, back when they were building the pyramids, and see if you could hit it off with one of the pharos but I mean, that probably wouldn't be bestiality either. Do you think if you went back to hunter/gatherer times you could maybe achieve it? Best guesses say that humans diverged from apes somewhere around 6 to 8 million years ago. Do you think if you went back and hit it with the specific ape that gave birth to the human race down the line, that would still be bestiality? I mean hey, maybe that's how we all happened. In the 6 to 8 million years between then and now, there's gotta be one specific day, or one specific person where it's like "okay, this is the line where this is no longer bestiality and is just normal sex", and I think that's something I would like to talk to an anthropologist about.
Article written by Tarro (August 2025)
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