Zoo Cereal Review
Hello dear readers! It's expensive running a magazine! We've got lights to keep on and our pens keep running out of ink and the coffee/booze fund is getting seriously low. And you know what that means! It's time to do a sponsor read!
Zooey Dot Pub is proudly supported by Zoo Cereal™ . Zoo cereal™ , the number one breakfast food guaranteed to be a hit with you and your partners, no matter what species they are! The Zoo Cereal™ folks were nice enough to send over a few of their products for us to try out here live! Well, live in writing anyway. We're not like, live live, for you guys. It's live for me as I type this! So, break out your bowls and let's get eating!
#1: Oops! All Vex
To start off with, let's start off with a fan favorite, Captain Vex's "Oops! All Vex". This is the cereal that started it all, playing off the infamous Captain Vex brand. With a base of sweetened oat and corn, the flavors of this cereal are out of this world. Some people say that cereal should be a simple meal, but "Oops! All Vex" rejects this notion and comes in HOT. Instead of trying to copy any of the other competitors, they chose to do their own thing, creating something that's so aggressively unique that other people can't help but love it! It's hard to give an exact flavor profile, but if I had to use a few words here I'd say that for a cereal it's bold, intense, and full of fiber! It'll get the canines in your life howling! You should definitely give it a shot!
#2: Blossom Toast Crunch
#3: Honey Nut Tarrios
You know how when you sell enough of a gamer powder sometimes they let you have your own flavor? Well, let me introduce the next flavor we're going to be trying today, Honey Nut Tarrios! Yep, that's me! As an early supporter of the Zoo Cereal™ they decided to let me help create a flavor and this is what I came up with! ... I'll be honest readers, I'm not the most creative when it comes to the culinary arts. I was in meeting after meeting trying to come up with interesting directions, but apparently all my ideas were either "too trashy," "too explicit," or "would definitely get us cancelled." So, we settled on a simple classic. You've got your honey, you've got your nut, and you have your Tarrio. With a whole grain base, sometimes you don't need to reinvent the wheel to make a great product! Either that, or they just got sick of dealing with me. Make sure to eat every last piece or raccoons will be sure to ransack your trash for this one!
#4: AkitO's
AkitOs. Wow. Out in the hills of Germany, far away in the crests and slopes of tulips, a cottage rests among the valleys. On the porch of the cottage, a blue dog rocks in her rocking chair, knitting and nodding. Is she an angel? Is she a goddess? Yes. High in 9 vitamins and minerals, this cereal is a must.
#5: Brassios
Last but not least in the O cereal category is Brassios. What's with all the O cereals having O in the name? Anyway, Have you ever had a bowl of Honey Nut Tarrios and thought to yourself "HOLD ON, I don't like honey or not!" Then you should drive to your nearest grocery store this minute and pick yourself up some Brassios! Brassios are the perfect cereal for your picky children that only have one or two things they want to eat and if you offer them anything else they cry and scream. If you know someone who goes to Subway and orders a sub with just meat, cheese and lettuce they'll love Brassios! They're simple, they're elegant, they're packed with all the various metals that your body needs to run like a machine! Get yours today!
#6: Hellfoxx Smacks
The second last cereal we'll be talking about today is what the kids would call a "cult classic." That's right, it's Hellfoxx Smacks! Are you the kind of person who says things like "I would like horror movies but I've seen so many they just don't work for me anymore" or "I used to love Halloween, but the magic just isn't there for me anymore." Have you considered that the problem is that you're not trying hard enough? If you're a horror lover, you can't just stop at the basics, you need it all! Picture this. You wake up at 3AM to the sound of a loud thud. You walk around your house, but can't figure out what it was. Feeling snacky, you decide to have a quick snack before going back to bed, so you slowly open up your cupboard and... BAM! Hellfoxx Smacks! You give yourself a jumpscare, and it has no artificial flavors or colors so it's good for your now elevated heart rate too! Enjoy a box of Hellfoxx Smacks this Halloween season, or at any point throughout the year!
#7: Toggle Puffs
And finally, we come to the most recent of the Zoo Cereal™ creations. Some used to say that the market is "oversaturated" and that "we don't need more zoo cereals." But boy did the Zoo Cereal™ people put a stop to those haters with the release of Toggle Puffs! Have you ever had Reese's Puffs and thought to yourself "Why are these balls so small?" Well, with Toggle Puffs, you'll never have to worry about that again, these balls are huge! But size isn't everything. They're sweet and crunchy and filled with chocolate and peanut butter. And there's a hidden Aqua prize in some boxes! They might not be the healthiest option, but the production value on these things is insane! Every crunch will bring music to your ears! They're more than just a healthy cereal, they're more than just a sweet snack, they bring a blend of everything so powerfully delicious you'll be hearing voices! A bowl of Toggle Puffs is sure to make your day at least 100x better, and that's a scientific guarantee!
Phew! That sure was a lot of cereal to eat! I'm stuffed, and so is our bank account, so that's enough ad reading for today! Thanks again to the fine folks at Zoo cereal™, the number one breakfast food guaranteed to be a hit with you and your partners, no matter what species they are. I'm going to go buy groceries to feed our starving editing team, and if I still have the budget afterwards maybe even pick up a new pen or two! Thanks for reading, and have a great breakfast, whatever time of day it is for you!
Article written by Tarro (March 2024)
Find them at https://twitter.com/hereforthezoo
Cereal Boxes designed by
- https://twitter.com/TheCatsTrill (Vex's)
- https://twitter.com/hereforthezoo (Tarro's)
- https://twitter.com/fl0weringnight (Everything else)
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