Zoo Wrath & the rest of the Seven Deadly Wins
Hi y'know it's funny, we talk a lot about zoo pride, but there are so many other ways to kill god and assert yourself as the master of your own universe. Whether you're looking to have some banger conversation starters for the next time you go to confession, or whether you're just looking for some "me time" to bathe yourself in a satanpilled sincore aesthetic, this article will be going through the Seven Deadly Wins besides just zoo pride. Zoo pride is great, obviously! But sometimes we wanna do other sin stuff too! So if you're looking to have a hell of a good time, strap in and get ready to sin!
Zoo Sloth
Y'all, how good is falling asleep with an animal? It's SO good, in my honest opinion. I love love love love love love loooooove snuggling into a bed with a dog there with me. Like, after we've had a long day out and we're both pooped and extremely ready to go to bed, just conking out together is so amazing. "We don't have anything else we need to do right now other than let go of consciousness and sleep."
If the 9-5 is getting you down and you'd rather call in sick and spend all day in bed listening to Zoo & Me and having Siri read you Zooey Dot Pub articles, fuck it do it, have a zoo sloth day.
The world can wait: there are animals to appreciate. Consciously or not.
Zoo Envy
I am jealous of so many zoos!!! On the one paw, I'm envious of the talents that other zoos have that I don't: Milk's ability to draw SO WELL, Shiv's ability to write AMAZING lyrics, Zipwok's MASTERFUL compositions, I WISH that I could do those things even half as well as they do. And then on the other paw, I'm envious of the experiences that other zoos have had too: going on dates with goats sounds pretty cool, wish that were me...
I'm also more than a little jealous of the animals themselves, sometimes. Leaping up a tree and walking along the branches like a cat. FLYING like a hawk. Not to mention, male canines making use of their unique anatomical feature looks unbelievably satisfying, like, wow. Wish that were me.
If I was an animal it would be a little sad to not get weird looks when I pee outdoors anymore, but all-in-all I'm still immensely jealous of all the critters of the world and I wish demonic Animorph powers could be bestowed upon me so that I could delight in all of their different aspects.
Zoo Wrath
Meat and dairy execs should be glad that Hell probably isn't real. For all of the unfathomable amounts of suffering they've caused to so, so, so many four-leggers (or two leggers in the case of chickens), I think it's very justified to fantasize about very bad things happening to them.
Zoo wrath has more justifiable targets than I can count, honestly. I'm mad at the puritanical assholes who created a culture where bestiality is such a taboo, when it's actually so beautiful and natural and fun. I'm mad at the shitty decisions made by bigoted platforms every day, from Bluesky doing another wave of zoo bans, to Discord taking down ZDPD, all with no real explanation given to us, no one deigning to have a conversation with us. I'm mad when a dog who I love is called "it" and talked down to by someone who should fucking know better, like, if you are a veterinarian and refer to animals as thoughtless objects, what is wrong with you?
If I could have all my wildest wishes come true, a lot more of my enemies would suddenly be discovering their living room has been trashed (or worse things, re: meat and dairy execs) and a well-written note has been left for them at the scene of my wrath, detailing some notes on where they have room for improvement.
Zoo Lust
:3
Zoo Pride
We love zoo pride, check out Tarro's article from yesterday all about zoo pride, featuring lots of guest contributors!
Zoo Greed
Sometimes in life, you have to girlboss and look out for number one. I remember one time at a zoo party I was offered some stickers to take (the person had a stack of like 200) and I took like, 5, and you know what? I shoulda taken like 199, I NEED more raunchy zooey stickers, 5 was far too few for my sad soon-to-be-empty-again pockets. I want to drown in zoo stickers. I want zoo stickers to fall out of my pockets by the dozens as I'm digging around for my car keys.
I also think we deserve to be greedy on behalf of our partners. Maybe you're at the pet store picking up some new toys and your dog decides they want two or maybe even three. Why not live a little, and spoil them on their behalf?
Zoo Gluttony
gluttony gluttony gluttony gluttony gluttony gluttony 🥳
All of these sins are good in their own ways, but for my money, gluttony really hits the spot and satisfies those cravings. For zoos, and for their four-leggers (or, again, two-leggers if you're dating a bird. We love our birds), gluttony can be so great. I love making dogs a FEAST sometimes, like, just as a special occasion for no reason, AMAZING dinner for you, properly cooked human food all going into your dog bowl, yummy yummy.
I don't make every night a Jack Daniel's and Pizza Hut night (I would die lol), but when I do, I have loved pairing it with dog kisses as well, and they're super happy and waggy as they lick my silly drunk stuffed human face and we're getting pizza breath on each other and yeah, gluttony, oh my gosh, fun times.
Yeah!
Sins! From a bit of a lazy Sunday to a bit of an angry vent, we have so many options for what kinds of vices we want to lean into on each and every one of our days upon the earth. Is today a zoo pride day, or a zoo envy day? Up to you! Awoo! Enjoy your sinful lifestyle!
Article written by Alissa Dogchurch (July 2025)
Find ZDP on Telegram at https://t.me/zooeydotpub
Find the ZDP RSS feed link in our footer any time you're on the website! That url for anyone interested is https://zooeydotpub.zdu.se/feed.xml
